


Don't you ever feel like you're less than fuckin' perfect

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Anal Sex, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 07:28:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15019670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: The way they portrayed him and the way he acted in front of the cameras, had always led him to believe he was a person with a good self-esteem.Finding himself victim of doubts and complexes just like everybody else, had surprised him.





	Don't you ever feel like you're less than fuckin' perfect

Of all the faults Ryosuke had ever spotted about himself, there was one he had never thought belonged to him.

The way they portrayed him and the way he acted in front of the cameras, had always led him to believe he was a person with a good self-esteem.

Finding himself victim of doubts and complexes just like everybody else, had surprised him.

That morning he had gotten up early, earlier than he should’ve; he had been careful not to wake Daiki up and had gone to the bathroom, closing the door behind his back and sighing.

It had been going on like that for days. He went to sleep at night tired, hoping he was going to sleep peacefully, and then the nights were more and more tormented, leaving him with no other choice but to wake up.

He tiredly let the shower run, waiting for the boiler to kick off and taking off his pyjamas in the meantime.

Seeing his image in the mirror made him wince.

He wasn’t used to that feeling; not that he had ever found himself particularly beautiful, he had always ignored his looks, never paying too much attention to it. When he had started looking at himself closer, instead, he had found out too many things he didn’t like.

He had kept that analysis for days, and as a result he had obtained that constant wince every time he was in front of a mirror.

The whole situation was starting to get on his nerves.

That vicious cycle hadn't begun by accident; one night, simply, he had gotten back home with Daiki, and without even waiting to get to the living room he had thrown himself at him, kissing him and pushing against him, showing him his unequivocal craving for him.

And the elder hadn't even blinked.

He had smiled, firmly pushing him away and telling him he wasn’t in the mood for it, not that night.

To think of it, it wasn’t so weird. Rationally, Ryosuke could understand it, he couldn’t _always_ be in the mood for it. But then that rationality had slipped away, leaving room for too many invasive thoughts, to the point of reducing him to that state.

He and Daiki had been together forever. Their relationship had always been a dream for him, he was certain it was going to last for their whole lives, but seeing it from another perspective he wondered if his boyfriend was completely satisfied with what they had.

He knew how bad routine could be, he knew how much people changed during the years, but until then he had set aside that kind of thoughts, telling himself that they were both young, and that they loved each other enough to overcome such trivialities.

Now he wasn’t so sure anymore, and that uncertainty was killing him.

He sighed again, abandoning his own reflection in the mirror and finally getting under the shower, starting to wash himself up quickly.

Daiki was going to wake up soon, and he wanted to do his best to convince him everything was fine between them.

Once he was done he shut the water, shivering for a moment before grabbing his bathrobe, wrapping himself in it and basking in the comfortable feeling.

He really needed it.

Getting out of the bathroom, he found himself face to face with his boyfriend; Daiki’s eyes were open, sleepy, and he was laying on a side with the clear intent of waiting for him to get out that door.

“Good morning.” he murmured, smiling. “You’ve gotten up early again.” he pointed out, and Yamada didn’t miss the question in his tone.

But he didn’t want to give him any answer, not yet.

He had no intention whatsoever to talk to him and find out he had been right this whole time.

“Yeah, I wasn’t particularly sleepy, so I got up. I’ll go to make breakfast, would you like something?” he asked, talking fast and showing how nervous he was. He wasn’t used to not be himself when he spoke to Daiki.

The latter arched an eyebrow, without masking his surprise in hearing him like this. But he didn’t force him to tell him anything, and he smiled to him again.

“No, don’t worry. I don’t have to be anywhere this morning, so I think I’ll take it easy. I’ll have breakfast later, you can go and eat.”

Yamada hesitated for a moment, then he gave up.

He nodded forcing himself to smile back to him and getting out of the room.

He didn’t bother with breakfast, he wasn’t hungry.

All he wanted right now, was for the whole mass of thoughts to be lifted from his mind.

But if that wasn’t possible, he was sure that at least being out of that apartment was going to help.

 

~

 

Another week had gone by, and he felt his nerves were about to give out.

Daiki kept being quiet when he noticed his bad mood, without insisting for explanations, asking calmly for them and not getting mad when he didn’t get any.

Ryosuke had come to the conclusion that he wanted to let him stir, without concerning himself too much with what was going through his mind, sure that it was going to pass sooner or later.

And he felt even more irritated by it, and he got even farther from him, and he didn’t feel good at all.

He had always been with Daiki, what he had for him was a physical need, and the thought of not being able to talk to him made him feel like he was wandering into the darkness, without a solution to get out of it.

That night was worse than usual.

Daiki hadn't gotten back home, not yet.

He was over an hour late, and he wasn’t picking up his calls.

Normally, he would've gotten worried; he would've thought about what could’ve happened to him, he would've been anxious, and he would've started calling everyone he knew asking about his boyfriend.

That night, he wasn’t worried.

He was scared, a lot.

He wondered if Daiki had reached a breaking point, if he had grown tired of seeing him like that, if he had decided that it was better if the two of them...

His mind refused to elaborate such a thought, but it was there, he could see it, he feared it as the worst thing that could’ve happened to him right now.

And he was still thinking about it when he heard the front door open, when he heard his boyfriend greet him, when he quickly got off the couch and reached him, a flustered look on his face.

“Where have you been?” he asked, loud. “Why didn’t you pick up the phone? I didn’t know where you were.”

“I'm sorry, Ryo.” the elder said, looking sincerely apologetic. “We were late with the interview, and the phone died on me. I didn’t think it was going to take so long, I'm sorry.”

But Ryosuke didn’t want to hear his explanations and didn’t want to keep quiet anymore.

“You’re sorry, really? Do you have any idea of what went through my mind while I waited for you?” he yelled, starting to cry without even noticing. “Do you have any idea of what I’ve been going through, Daiki? Do you still even care about me? Or you’d rather...” he swallowed, biting his lip. He couldn’t bring himself to go on, but he was sure that the other had grasped the meaning of it.

He was still crying, when he felt Daiki take his hands, carefully, almost as if he was afraid of scaring him if he would've moved too fast.

“Ryosuke.” he said, his voice steady. Yamada didn’t miss the way he had called him, without using any pet name, and held his breath. “I see what you’re going through. You’re the one who doesn’t want to talk about it. Do you think I’ve been okay, lately? Do you think it makes me happy to see you like this and not knowing what I could do to help?” he sighed, nodding toward the living room and letting the other following him to the couch. “Tell me what’s wrong, now. It seems like waiting for you to talk about it on your own isn’t working. Do you want me to get mad? You got it. Now tell me, please.”

Ryosuke bit his lower lip, drying up his tears with the back of his hand and taking a deep breath.

He couldn’t run now. He couldn’t hide behind any fake smile, and as much as it scared him, it also made him feel relieved.

All he needed, after all, was for Daiki to listen to him. To tell him the truth.

“It’s stupid. I know we’ve been together for a long time, but...” he was lost. He had just started, and already he didn’t know how to phrase it. He breathed in again, and tried one more time. “Do you remember that night you told me you weren’t in the mood for sex? I know it’s normal, I know it happens, but that was it. I’ve started to think about everything that’s wrong with me, that you might have grown tired of me, that you could...” he blushed violently, and couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore. “That you couldn’t find me attractive anymore. That you could want something different from me.” he finished, his voice low, ashamed of his own thoughts.

Daiki opened his eyes wide, looking completely unable to reply.

“Is that really it, Ryo?” he murmured. Then, against all odds, he burst out laughing. “Ryo!” he said, and his voice sounded light, relaxed, as if he had just lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. “Chibi, do you have any idea of how worried I’ve been? And for this? You should’ve talked to me about it right away, and we wouldn’t have had any problem.” he shook his head, exasperated, and he sat on the couch, taking his face in his hand for the younger to look him straight in the eyes. “My love, if there’s something I can assure you about is that my eyes will never, ever stop looking at you as if you’re the most beautiful thing in the world.” he sighed, leaning over to kiss his lips. “I’m sorry I’ve given you the wrong impression, but that was just a one-time thing. And there’s nothing wrong with you, because you’re perfect to me and you will always be, and that’s the only thing you should never doubt about. I love you.” he stated, more serious than he was when he had started talking, but managing with that tone to make Ryosuke sure that what he was saying was true.

The younger felt like crying again, and for a much less anguishing reason than before.

He threw himself at his boyfriend, hiding his face in the crook of his neck and wrapping his arms around his waist, holding him tight and letting him hold him, discovering how much he had missed that hold in the past few days, how much he had missed his scent and the touch of his skin. And smiling and seeing him smile, which would've been enough to vanquish any doubt about them.

“I'm sorry.” he said, sitting back straight. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but... I really started to think about it. And it’s been horrible thinking that you could not like me, that something could change between us.”

Daiki sighed theatrically, shaking his head.

“How could I possibly not like you?” he murmured, bringing his hands to his hips, caressing them up, over his shirt’s fabric. “Want me to prove to you how attracted I am to you? Want me to prove to you I can never get enough of you?” he teased him, still brushing his skin in that delicate way, so much that Ryosuke could barely feel it.

He didn’t answer, focused on those hands, but he nodded firmly, waiting for the other to bring it further on his own.

He saw him move forward and push him to make him lay on the couch, his eyes fixated on his while he freed him from his shirt, allowing himself a moment to look at him before bringing his mouth to his body.

He kissed his neck and his collarbone, then his shoulders and down on his chest, while his hands made a quick work of his pants and underwear, then went to deal with his own clothes.

Ryosuke barely noticed, lost in a thousand sensations, lost in Daiki’s mouth which was having fun eliciting a moan after another, paying attention to every spot on his skin, on his body, the elder raising his head from time to time to look at him with a face that shown all the desire he felt for him, and once again Yamada felt like an idiot for having doubted that.

Daiki went back to his mouth, kissing him, insisting for him to open his lips and searching for his tongue, distracting Ryosuke while he brought a hand to his cock and lower, brushing his fingers over his entrance.

“Ryo...” he murmured, smiling to him. “Ryo, look at me.” he called him again, seeing the younger closing his eyes and abandoning himself to his touch. When he opened them again Daiki was chuckling, shaking his head. “This is what I want. Now, and forever. There’s no one else in the world I would dream to be like this with, because it’s you I love.”

Ryosuke nodded slowly, still vaguely embarrassed, but he tried to ignore the feeling.

It didn’t matter that he had been wrong or not, it didn’t matter how bad it had felt.

If that was the result, if he could be there, with Daiki on top of him telling him he loved him and that he was the one, then the price had been quite fair.

He arched his back, pushing himself against the elder’s fingers that were now moving fast inside of him, used to this, aware of what to do to loosen him up as quick as possible.

When Daiki pulled them out Yamada couldn’t hold back a disappointed groan, making his boyfriend laugh, and then rush to make up for it.

He brought his hand to his leg, slowly, pulling it up to let him wrap it around his hip, giving himself room to move on top of him.

Daiki rested his forehead against Ryosuke’s, starting to push inside that warm body, seeing him tense while he went on, and had to clench his teeth to force himself to stop once he had bottomed out.

Ryosuke took a deep breath, and couldn’t help but smiling. That was his place, that was how he wanted to feel.

He felt Daiki’s breath blend with his own and his hips moving instinctively toward his body, and so he nodded to tell him he could move, unable to wait any further.

He grabbed his arms, pushing himself up toward him, offering his body to his thrusts, trying to force his eyes to say open, fixated on him, just like he was doing.

He rolled his head back, arching his back when the elder brought a hand around his cock, stroking it fast, easily bringing him to the brink of the orgasm.

When Ryosuke came he wrapped his arms around Daiki, scratching him and moaning out loud, while he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, he couldn’t force himself to do anything other than letting go to such an intense pleasure.

Daiki didn’t wait any further, he kept moving faster and faster, until he climaxed as well and emptied himself inside the younger’s body, biting his shoulder to muffle a scream.

He collapsed on top of him, and Ryosuke laughed, pushing him away in order to breathe.

Daiki raised his head, smiling mischievously to him and leaning down to kiss him once again.

“So? Still thinking I don’t find you attractive?”

Ryosuke shook his head, biting his lip.

“I'm sorry. Shouldn’t have even crossed my mind.”

“No, it shouldn’t. But perhaps it’s my fault, so...” he caressed his face. “I’ll be more careful from now on, I promise. It won’t pass a day without me trying to make you understand how beautiful you are, how much I love you and how much I’d love to stay with you, like this, for the rest of my life.” he pressed their lips together, longer now, and Ryosuke melted in the kiss. “Okay?”

Yamada nodded, and said nothing else.

It didn’t matter, really, what had gone through his mind.

Now he knew it, he felt it, he was completely sure of it.

Daiki loved him. And he was never going to doubt that again, for the rest of their days.


End file.
